Our Arduous Journey: FAIL

Monday, October 4, 2010

FAIL

**WARNING- adult language**

Not sure why the fuck I can't get pregnant. I mean really? There are morons who get KTFU no problem, and yet we just can't seem to make it happen. I know it ain't over until the fat lady sings..... but I just heard her warming up in her dressing room. With this massive temp drop, it looks like AF is coming earlier than normal. Yippie!

I start my new-old job today, and now I sit here in tears, wondering how the fuck I can put on my game face yet again and push through the day. I seriously hate this shit. I'm so mad at the world I just don't know what to do anymore.

How many sad tears do I need to shed before I can get some happy one's? Why am I not meant to be a mom yet?

10 comments :

BettinaOctober 4, 2010 at 5:47 AM
I am so sorry, Papps, it really sucks. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but want to send you big hugs anyway and let you know that I think of you.
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JosefineOctober 4, 2010 at 6:51 AM
It really fucking sucks, Papps, and it's fucking unfair.
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The Many Thoughts of a ReaderOctober 4, 2010 at 7:09 AM
(((((((()))))))) I love you and I'm sorry and I wish I could take away your tears. I wish I could make it all better.
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The EcholsOctober 4, 2010 at 9:10 AM
Sorry! There is always hope in the future paps. Fingers crossed for you.
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JennOctober 4, 2010 at 9:43 AM
I'm so sorry! I really do wish you didn't have to go through this shit. It's so not fair! **hugs** <3 you!
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HeatherOctober 4, 2010 at 12:30 PM
Oh Pappsy!!! I wish i could take all your pain away and make it all better! I really mean that!! I hate seeing you so heart broken and life really isn't fucking fair. I don't get it at all. It makes me angry for you!!
I love you!!! xoxoxo
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Growing Up GardnerOctober 4, 2010 at 3:45 PM
Wish I could wrap my arms around you. Xoxo. Hang in there.
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qtsreign/SylviaOctober 4, 2010 at 8:38 PM
I hate that you're going through this.

hugs.
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AnonymousOctober 7, 2010 at 4:33 PM
I really wanted this to be it for you. Many prayers to you.
-Milliways
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sulfababyOctober 9, 2010 at 4:51 AM
:( *hugs*
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A Reflective Poem

I WILL BE

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown, taken from TTGP

Monday, October 4, 2010

FAIL

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